That state called Uttar Pradesh

The following is the review of my 40-day stay in Eastern Uttar Pradesh:

Madhu Varma was that chap at school who was awful in History.

I was at the place where sometime in the early 1920s, the police station was set on fire, resulting in the calling off of the Non-Cooperation Movement. I had my market visit in the city most famous for the disputed site which got divided into 3 parts as recently as 7 days back. I lived for a few days in the world's oldest city and visited the town which has a pillar from which the National Emblem of India is inspired from.

'Look, Mrs Devanapalli, now you have to believe me. I did pay attention in a few of your lectures'.

Madhu Varma was that kid who couldn't pack his school bag to save his life.

I had to pack/unpack luggage and change hotel rooms more times than the number of zeros in a quadrillion. I have now become an effective packer with keen sensibilities in optimal space utilization and time reduction.

Look, Ma. I can pack better than even you.

Reaching inaccessible places by travelling in a tractor, listening to village elders discussing politics under a big banyan tree, watching little kids fool around under the not-so-strict supervision of a disgruntled and disinterested school teacher made me feel like the character Mohan in the Bollywood movie, 'Swades'.

But then, it wasn't as romantic as it was shown in the movie. Well, on all the journeys, the passenger next to me was very sleepy and irritatingly, his head kept falling on my shoulder every now and then. And well, the village elders conversed in Bhojpuri and they weren't exactly in awe of the well dressed (ahem!), well educated (ahem! ahem!) city boy and they weren't exactly looking up to him to solve make their problems. And well, I wouldn't have been able to do a better job than the resentful, public school teacher even if I did try.

I've spent countless hours stuck in traffic (Eastern Uttar Pradesh seems like, is home to half the world's population). I have skipped more meals in the last one month than I have over the past one year. I got sick of seeing thousands and thousands of grass-chewing cows and paan-chewing humans.

Also waiting on a railway platform (populated by monkeys) for 12 hours in Azamgarh, travelling in the woeful local buses on woeful roads in Sonbhadra, riding a Bajaj scooter for 200 odd kilometers in heavy rain in Mau & Ballia on my birthday, convincing a group of prostitutes that we (myself and a company sales executive) weren't interested in what they had to offer while passing through the red-light area of Basti weren't exactly pleasant experiences. The power cuts in Gorakhpur, the heat in Deoria and the insects in Mirzapur were all killing.

But then the place had its charm. The crudeness in the language, the sun-burnt faces of the people, the earthen cups of tea.....

I hated Hubli then and I hate it now. Although living in Eastern Uttar Pradesh was quite a struggle, I look back fondly on my time there.

And when my TSE from Varanasi called me up in the evening and asked me about my well- being, I replied in my broken Hindi, 'Yaar, UP ki bahut yaad aata hai'.

Anyway, whatever!

S.O.S.

'My name is Madhu Varma. I am a survivor living in Hubli. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the Court Circle everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there.....if anyone is out there.....anybody.....please'.

My mutual hatred with Bangalore continued as the city kicked me out on the 8th of July 2010. Most unkindly this time. (**** you, Bangalore). A very, very last minute change saw me posted in Hubli instead. And after speaking to my friend who did a bit of research about the place online, I remember thinking "It has an airport. It can't be too bad."

Wikipedia: Hubli is a major city in the state of Karnataka in India.

You live bang in the middle of the place and you go around looking for a bar of Dettol soap. A sympathetic shopkeeper would offer you a soap called 'Det-Mex'. Well, it looks like a Dettol and even the first 3 letters are the same. You would be greedy now, if you wanted anything more.

And if you wanted to pass your time by doing some light reading, you would find all the books you always wanted to read. Second hand books on engineering, commerce and law. A reader's paradise. Wouldn't you agree?

Wikipedia: Hubli is well connected by air, rail and road.

Well, of course. Reaching Hyderabad by air is a simple matter of around 11 hours. You have a quick break at Bangalore or Bombay and arrive at your destination in no time.

And even if you take the road or the rail, all you need to do is change a station or two at some unheard-off places (which even Google would find difficulty in locating) and before you know it, you are there.

And before I go on singing my praises about Hubli, let me introduce my friend, Bailey. Bailey is a chap of few words but he always reflects my moods perfectly.

Me: This place is getting to me, Bailey. I don't know how much longer I can take this.

Bailey: * Looks half-empty *

Me: It's time for our daily walk, Bailey. Hop on.

Bailey: * Looks half-full *

I keeping replacing Bailey with a new himself everyday,but he never changes.

And when I crib about my stay here over the phone, I most often hear "Come on. It's only till the 20th August".

That's another 27 days, 23 hours, 53 minutes and 36 seconds.

The damn cosmos was created in lesser time. Anyway, whatever.

'My name is Madhu Varma. I am a survivor living in Hubli. I am broadcasting on all AM frequencies. I will be at the Court Circle everyday at mid-day, when the sun is highest in the sky. If you are out there.....if anyone is out there.....anybody.....please'.

S.O.S.

'Psychoness' Continues [10 in 10 Contd...]

Trip Review

Day 1: The pig was the most sighted animal on the journey from Delhi to Jaisalmer. An uncomfortable ride on a camel and a bonfire in the Thar were followed by a few hours of sleep.

Day 2: After sightseeing a couple of forts, we were on our way to the land of Gujarat. The truck drivers in the state had impeccable traffic sense. (Any link with alcohol prohibition, I wonder).

Day 3: The asiatic lion in the Gir National Park didn't seem too pleased to be disturbed during its afternoon siesta. We reached Diu (of Daman & Diu) by evening and explored the entire place.

Day 4: We drove till we got sick and tired. And then, we drove some more. Without going into any details, I would like to say that our stay in Dadra and Nagar Haveli was pleasant.

Day 5: Pictures clicked during the drive through the Western Ghats were a few too many. We were particularly surprised to not find food anywhere at midnight. I mean, it was Goa afterall.

Day 6: Beaches and hippies were to be seen everywhere. The trek up and down a hill for a certain Aguada Fort was very tiring. The view from the top made it worth the effort though.

Day 7: Spending a 2nd day in the same state was inconsistent with the theme of the trip, but we did anyway. And on New Year's eve, while the other 3 were partying, I slept.

Day 8: We were back on the road again and the return journey began. The Mumbai-Pune expressway was delightful, but the same couldn't be said about the roads in Karnataka and Madhya Pradesh which we would cross the next day.

Day 9: Had a couple of hours of sleep in some really shady hotel in Thane. Crossed Gujarat again, but we still couldn't have the elusive 'dhoklas' and 'theplas' (do you even get these there?).

Day 10: The Chittorgarh fort seemed like a place we wouldn't mind living in. Rain, fog and traffic delayed us, but we eventually reached Delhi.

Random observations about the trip:

1) A certain bird by the name of 'Grey Tit' is found in Gir. We passed through a town in Maharashtra known as Lanja. (Lanja means whore in Telugu).

2) The song 'Arambh Hai Prachand' from the movie 'Gulaal' was played the most number of times in the car. It was like the official song of the trip.

3) We used to take 'pee' breaks on the journey (most of which were at my behest). Vamsi would blame these breaks for everything that went wrong and therefore me.

4) The 'daal' in Gujarat is terribly sweet. You get a dish made of 'sev' and 'tamatar' in Rajasthan. It is called 'sev tamatar'. Udayan fell in love with it.

5) Srikanth and me toyed with the idea of building a toll road between India and Japan and charging 1 billion dollars as toll. (Courtesy: no sleep, motion sickness, poor sense of humour)

The car was brought to a stop, the music was turned off and at 5:57 pm on the 4th of January 2009, it finished.

We were physically and mentally exhausted and drained. All the travelling had left us disoriented. So much so that, we felt like stationary things around us were moving. ( You see things moving past you for the past 10 days, your eyes and more importantly your mind gets used to that). We desperately needed some rest. We really, really did.

But we didn't take rest. Keeping true to the spirit of the trip, the 4 psychos went for '3 idiots' that evening.

Anyway, whatever.

10 in 10

THE PSYCHO TRIP

Mode of Transport: Road

Distance: 5934 kms

Days: 10

States: Delhi, Haryana, Rajasthan, Gujarat, Maharashtra, Goa, Karnataka, Madhya Pradesh (8)

Union Territories: Daman & Diu, Dadra & Nagar Haveli (2)

The Psychos:

1) VAMSI

2) UDAYAN

3) SRIKANTH

4) MADHU

'I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain'.

Not really. It was the start of a really, really long journey alright. And the conclusion was most certainly uncertain. But I am not too sure about the excitement part. And I had my reasons. Well, I didn't get a wink of sleep for the previous 21 hours, was tired as hell and it was bloody cold.

After the last of the bags were loaded into the boot of the 'White Diamond' (that's what we named Vamsi's Swift for the trip), we were good to go. We got into the car.

Srikanth was contemplating adding more places into the already watertight schedule. (Srikanth is never ever satisfied).

Vamsi was complaining about my excessive luggage. (Despite our long association, my idiosyncrasies still continue to deeply annoy as well as amuse Vamsi).

Udayan was charged up and raring to go. (Although he doesn't accept it, we feel that it doesn't take too much to get Udayan enthusiastic).

I was cribbing about how I didn't get a wink of sleep for the previous 21 hours and how I was tired as hell and how it was bloody cold. (Cribbing comes as naturally as sleep to me).

It was classic us.

The thought of going on a trip originated as early as October. Consulting with travel agents, googling of places, toying with maps, flipping through holiday guides were some of the activities which went into the planning. Ideas as frivolous as driving down to Thailand and as normal as holidaying in Rajasthan were extensively explored with feasibility analyses (an extremely high level of tolerance was afforded) and detailed estimates of time and resources. Trekking in Uttaranchal, skiing in Himachal Pradesh, relaxing in Kerala, exploring the North East were all considered in isolation and in various combinations. Countless hours of discussions didn't get us any closer in finalising the trip. Everyone had a different agenda, a different set of conditions and constraints, different preferences. What we had in common - impatience, inflated egos and insanity (what we would like to call 'psychoness'). We weren't even sure of whether we would go on a trip till the last minute, let alone where would we be going and what we would be doing.

The car was brought to life, the music was blasted on and at 4:19 am on the 25th of December 2009, it began.

To be continued.....................