'Pan Chod'

Another post.

I spend most of my days here(London) eating and sleeping and chilling. And all this lazying around is making me feel useless. So just to feel better about myself, I was wondering as to what I have learned so far during my 'soporific sojourn' in London. I genuinely have no clue as to what 'soporific sojourn' means. All I know is that it can be used in this contest. I am trying hard as hell trying to remember where I came across this, but I can't. 

Serious introspection has revealed a number of learnings which I sincerely believe are of utmost utility and would serve me well for the rest of my life. So I present the 8 most useful learnings below. (8? Why not 5 or 10? That's exactly why.) 

1) I have become quite an expert in scrapping off grime of utencils using a butter knife. I actually pride myself in this.

2) I have mastered the art of sleeping in the bathing tub. Trust me. It is really tough. A lot of hard work went into it and my persistence finally paid off.

3) I now know that one 'takes' and doesn't 'give' a test, thanks to Colonel Raaj. Although I still keep using 'giving' instead of 'taking', I now know that I am wrong.

4) My level of culinary skills has increased by the factor of infinity. (0.76/0=infinity ; 0.76 on a scale of 100). Burned, inedible, scrambled eggs is my speciality. It is commonly accepted in the 'Maison de la Maut'(that's what Chadha likes to call our 'House of the Dead') that I am the best cook in the house.

5) I am more socially clumsy that I ever was. I have managed to blurt out 'I am good' before the other person enquired about my well being, every single time I was introduced to someone.

6) I can now walk like a normal human being.  Having walked alongside my brother over the years(who walks as if his pants were on fire), I tend to hurry. But that has been rectified.

7) I can now swear 'Behen Chod' in a way which would make even someone like Vinod (I mean, Veenudh) seem like an amateur. I am still working on my 'Pan Chod' though.   

8) And I now know that LUCK is a slut. 

I am still waiting for some stupid suggestions on topics to write about from you guys. And I would let anyone who is interested, to write the next post on my blog. Confirm your willingness in the comments section of this one.

Another thing. I just can't resist myself from saying that we(Deccan Chargers) are the champions and all the other teams in the IPL kind of suck donkey balls. 

One last thing. I believe this is the last post for this month. The first post in June will see the return of ................. So anyone wanting to write the next post have the extra incentive of being graced by .................

tA Da, not tA dA!

Fuckin slut...

Life is a bitch. Sunday was arguably the saddest day of my life. Most days in my life are quite sad but this one has to be the saddest and it was sad in a sad sort of way. Usually I am sad and angry, but this time I was sad and sad. I didn't get to watch the game between Juventus and Atalanta LIVE because of a stadium ban. I stood outside the Stadio Olympico Torino like a helpless, little girl with a sorry expression on my face. Luck, which was always turned on my side, turned out to be a traitor. Fuckin slut...

Anyways, enough of the gay shit. I have other things to talk about as well. I would be revisiting my poential Nobel-prize winning work: the 'Figin' Index in this post. The pigeons in Italy are fairly fat and well fed and of course lazy. But there are noticeable variations of characteristics among the pigeons in different places in Italy. The ones in these places, Santa Margerita and Portofino (Santa Margerita and Portofino;these places are as exotic as they sound) were the fattest I've ever seen. They didn't give a damn about most things in life. 

Check out the following video for evidence:

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=80452484614&ref=nf

The fat bitch moved around at its own sweet pace with me right behind it. It almost even refused to acknowledge my very presence. I present another dimension here to the index. The fatness of the pigeons in a place is directly proportional to the joblessness of people in that area. Jobless people do things like feeding pigeons. The places I talked about are holiday destinations where people come to 'chill'. They laze around at the seaside, walk about and feed the pigeons. 

The pigeons in Turin and Rome were slightly more active, but still extremely lazy. They are comparable to those in London.

Another random thing. I learned that Rome was built by someone named Romulus or something like that who grew up sucking the tits of a female wolf. To quote Cartman, 'The fuck. Come on. I mean, seriously, the fuck'. 

I never got to watch Lara LIVE. I will never get to watch Nedved LIVE as well. Sigh!

!@#$%^&*()

I haven't posted for the past couple of weeks since I intended to play on the 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' syndrome (made up that shit). I am sure all of you have been having sleepless nights, wondering as to why I have not been posting for so long now. Its ok. You can talk about your traumatic experiences in the comments to this post.

I haven't got the slightest clue about what to write in this post. That's the case with all my earlier posts as well. I suppose it is the story of my life. Am I admitting weakness? I will be one of those 

irritatingly, optimistic (read phony) pansies here and say that I like to live life as it comes. I am a happy-go-lucky person. Heheheh. I crack myself up.

Anyway, I think there needs to be some direction to this stupid blog of mine. I just can't keep writing mindless, random garbage all the time. So, if any of you is hopeless enough to suggest something, go wild. I will hate you for the rest of my life if you recommend writing about places or trips or MBA or any other lousy stuff like that. Although there is a good chance that I might talk about my trip to Italy in my next post. Before you come to any judgement about me, listen me out. Or should I say, read me out. 'Read me out'? What the fuck is 'read me out' supposed to mean? I have no clue, but I suppose you get the idea. 

I would only write about my love, Juventus FC and their game against Atalanta. Not my minute by minute recordings of the entire trip. Wait a minute. People write about places and hobbies and their lame lives. They probably do so because they are passionate about it. Just as I am passionate about football and plan to write about it in my next post. Does this stink of hypocrisy?And what makes ME different from them?  

For one, football is not gay unlike most other things. And secondly, the post would only be for a couple of friends who are ardent Juventus fans as well and would actually be interested. And thirdly this is a one-off thing. 

Why the fuck am I justifying myself? Isn't this my blog and can't I write any trash that takes my fancy? I guess so, but then I wouldn't want to come across as a phony. To quote my idol Eric Cartman (and slightly modify it for appropriateness): "I hate phonies. I wanna kick em in the nuts."

Why is this post titled, '!@#$%^&*()'? Good question!

of pictures, WORDS and a truckload of bull 'you know what'

Some schmuck had said sometime that 'A picture speaks a 1000 words'. What shit! And bigger schmucks quote this lame line. I was wondering about the truth behind this statement. I am absolutely convinced that I would be able to tell much more about anything in a 1000 words than a picture could ever convey.  

Not that I love words or anything but I always had an affinity for the weaker 'player'. A picture has many inherent advantages over words but words aren't totally useless either. Words when spoken well can create an effect that a picture can't. A simple 'f**k o*f'' is much more effective than a show of the middle finger. In case you stopped to think about this and tend to disagree with me over that, I can only say that you need to improve your swearing. 

In case you are wondering as to why I am talking about pictures and words and lame stuff like that, let me give you the reason.  It is same as the reason as to why 2+3 is equal to 5 (You need to have an IQ greater than 275 to understand my impeccable 'why 2+3 is equal to 5' theory. So, don't be too hard on yourselves).

I am going to make words 'sexier' than pictures if that's the last thing I do. Ok, that seems a little far-fetched even for me. I shall prove that a picture speaks lesser than a 1000 words. 957 or 981 but lesser than 1000.

Let me give you 2 simple words and I challenge you to give me a picture that beats these words. 

'tA dA'

Anyway, whatever.

Tushar, my flatmate has cleaned up his room. The 'GHETTO' doesn't feel like one anymore. I am mentioning this because he promised me a sum of 359 pounds if I did so. 

Crib. Me? Come on.

Hmmmmm...........

I was thinking and I realized that it is extremely difficult for me to continuously publish new posts with my extremely limited vocabulary and even more extremely limited knowledge. Also the fact that I am not too keen on boring everyone with my everyday happenings isn't helping the cause.

But I am not someone who cribs (this is something which certain people refer to as 'sarcasm'). Anyway, I am posting this one 8 days after the previous one, just like I said I would (Quote from my previous post: 'I shall post the next one tomorrow or day after or a few days after that or whenever I feel like it'). And people say I am unreliable. Ha. 

I suppose I am going to talk about the house in this post. I co-habit Flat 6 of the apartment on 525 Finchley Road, London with 3 other beasts (Tushar, Chadha and Gulati) . The address of my college is 527 Finchley Road. It takes us lesser time to get into college than it takes those living in the college hostel itself. Its not something to be proud of or anything. I mentioned this fact for no reason in particular. 

Colonel(Retd.) Raaj  [also known as Mohit Gulati] has come up with cool names for all the rooms. His is called the 'NEST', owing to the fact that this one is relatively small and cozy. All of us are of the opinion that this is the best room in the house. 

Chadha dwells in the 'MADHOUSE'. It is quite disorganized, like the man himself. 

Tushar's room is the 'GHETTO' because of its perennial not-too-tidy appearance. 

And mine is the 'CRIB'. (How ironic?) The b******s like to refer to it as the 'common room' since it is the hangout room for all of them. I hate it when they call it that since I like to think that I have my privacy. [Will I lie to myself to be happy? I suppose I will. My room is not the common room]. 

Anyway, whatever.

Duh

I haven't read any blogs (only losers read blogs) but I suppose those who write them, write about the apparently 'interesting' things happening in their lives. [Interesting to the bloggers themselves and their extremely useless 'close' friends]. Duh!

I would try to avoid that, but I cannot promise. Give me credit for atleast admitting that my life is particularly boring and uninspiring. Or is it? Ha.

In my second post, I am going to talk about the pigeons in London. They are fat and lazy. They are quite arrogant and reckless. When you chase them, they move at a leisurely pace instead of flying. They are quite reluctant to use their wings. I totally adore their behaviour (not the pigeons themselves, since I believe adoring birds is gay). And I totally identify with them. 

My brother observed the same behaviour of pigeons in the US as well and the pigeons in Hyderabad fly away when you so much as tap your feet at a distance of 5 metres. So I was wondering if the fatness and laziness of pigeons could be used as a parameter for measuring the economic prosperity of a country. The fatter and lazier the pigeons the higher could be the prosperity rating of that country. I would name it the 'Figin Index' (A certain chap in my stupid engineering college used to pronounce pigeon as figin). I would get a Nobel Prize for my remarkable  work and in my acceptance speech I would say 'Duh!'.

I just hope I haven't disappointed in my 2nd post. I hope it is atleast as annoying if not more than the first one. I shall post the next one tomorrow or day after or a few days after that or whenever I feel like it.

Anyway, whatever. 

Me to the London pigeons: 'I think you guys rock and all but I have something else to say to you. Aaaiiii, you fat bitches. You are eating up everything in your sights and inflating while your malnutritioned cousins back in India are starving. Have some shame.' 

What else could the title be but tA dA?

It is 3 fuckin 42 on the 14th of April, 2009. I was never one of those losers who stayed up all night and felt cool about it. I am still not that. I have become nocturnal, but I don't feel cool about it. It is just that I am sleeping through out the day and staying up in the night. 

Anyway, I have started this blog to announce (as if anyone is going to read this shit.ha) that I have become a commoner. I always prided myself in not doing stuff that all you guys do: online chatting, writing blogs, uploading pictures online and lame stuff stuff like that. I am systematically doing each one of them and I feel disgusted. But I shall have my redemption. I will go into the details in a later post.

I have heard the song 'Politik' by Coldplay for about the 79th time now and I still don't feel sick of it. Why did I mention this fact? For the same reason that 2+3 is 5.

The self obsessed prick that I am, I suppose I would be talking about myself now(3 I's in one sentence). Is it even legal to do that? 

Hi. My name is Madhu. I am 23. I am doing my dual degree MBA in International Management in ESCP EAP, London and MDI, Gurgaon. ......................

I would kill myself before I give an introduction like that. 

To be brief, I am self centered, egoistic, cynical and highly prejudiced. I have a bad attitude and I like to think that that is cool. 

Anyway, whatever.

tA dA